It’s almost 8am here. I am having difficulty reconciling the fact that I will eventually get to leave this hospital with an alive baby. Last time I walked out of a hospital it was with a memory box, a bag of medication and a broken soul.
I can’t do that again…it would break me more than I could possibly write in words. I am hopefully leaving this place today and not come back for 5 weeks when it is Scarlet’s birthday. I feel shattered today. I feel apprehensive. I was warned the steroid shots would really make her quiet, and so they have and so I have been in a bit of a downward spiral this morning because of this. For me lack of movement mean equals a dead baby and so these last twelve hours have been very hard for me. I’ve had a terrible morning so far, as I usually wake up to a barrage of kicks and this morning my belly lay quiet and non-responsive. I am not a big fan of the ward I am in and I want whats best for my baby, and I just don’t feel I am getting that here.
I wish I had packed my doppler. I don’t like to rely on having to wait for a nurse to tell me I can hear her heartbeat. In L&D I was always on a monitor, and as uncomfortable as that was I loved the reassurance of hearing her little heart beat. It was tangible evidence she was alive and well.
I don’t necessarily want to go home…I just want off this ward. 7 South sucks…