Being pregnant

Or I guess, more to the point, not being pregnant. I feel a bit silly and ungrateful, but I am having some issues dealing with the fact that Scarlet came early and that I once again had an “incomplete” pregnancy.

I remember when I was trying to get pregnant, I read a woman’s blog about how she couldn’t reconcile the fact that she had a c-section and didn’t get to deliver vaginally. How months later she still felt emotional about the fact it didn’t go how she had planned. I was so upset reading this. I remember thinking “OMG! Get over yourself! You have a living baby…who the FUCK cares how he got here”

Except here I am now, seven weeks later, still staring at pregnant bellies like I always have. Feeling jealous that my last pregnancy came to an abrupt end, and once again, my body failed me and I had another abruption. She is here, alive, and I stare at her so in love…and yet, I still feel ripped off. Like I still want her inside me kicking away.

Getting up and going to the hospital calmly, excited to meet my baby, not driving there like a bat out of hell wondering if she is still alive and going to make it. The PTSD remains, and I still stare at bellies longing for a pleasant delivery…wishing it was me.

I told D and he looked at me like I was crazy…I don’t know if anyone out there in blog land gets me…but I kind of feel selfish and stupid for even writing about it, because she is here. I hold her and kiss her and cuddle her. She lives. Get over it right?

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5 thoughts on “Being pregnant

  1. I know what you mean about the abrupt ending and not having it go as you had hoped. I don’t really relate to that because our circumstances were different, but I completely understand what you’re saying. It’s a little different, I am irritated when non-blm’s grieve over a birth experience where they were pressured into a section/ had pitocin/etc., because I very much think to myself “get over it”, but knowing your situation, it’s completely different.

    I think the longing for the pregnant belly and the non-ptsd experience of childbirth is something you’ll always want because you can’t have that (grass is greener sort of thing)… But she is here, she is healthy, and that is so.friggin’.wonderful. But to be upset it didn’t go as you had hoped- completely normal I would think.

    Can’t wait for Friday!!!

  2. I was that first woman– lamenting the c section when I wanted to vaginal birth. It was rough. and then, Collins died. This third delivery was hard with Lachlan going to the NICU and being delivered so quickly when my BP and HR were crazy at my last doc visit. In my view, I have never had a “good” delivery experience– all for different reasons. I get you, my sweet. You know I do.

  3. I totally get you. I missed being pregnant as soon as emily was born, before that even. Ted doesn’t want to have anymore because of his age and how stressful he found the pregnancy to be, worried about her and I. It makes me really sad that I will likely never feel a baby kicking away inside me and I’ll never have that moment of seeing my baby for the first time again. Still have trouble looking at pregnant women, especially those that have another living child with them because I should too. I was also jealous of them even when I was pregnant because figured It would go well or them but probably not for me. I wondered if I was/am jealous of them just out of habit. I don’t feel as bad as I used to before i got pregnant with Emily, but it is still there and I don’t think it will ever go away completely.

  4. Oh, and I know this isn’t traumatic like what you went through, but I was induced and I really wanted to know what it would have been like to go into labour naturally, I will probably never know what non-pitocin contractions are like, or the excitement of realizing that I’m in labour.

  5. I get this. I have similar envious feelings when I see a heavily pregnant woman. My experience was so different. So much bleeding early on in Aidan’s pregnancy. Knowing something was going wrong with Kaia’s and being powerless to stop it. No commiserating with work colleagues about swollen ankles or nausea. For both pregnancies I was home, alone, afraid and waiting for the worst to happen feeling like a freak. No planning for a live baby to take home. We bought nothing in advance for either child. No baby shower while still pregnant. No happy ultrasounds. No excitement going into labour with Aidan. Just dread and fear and pain. Total fear going in for the C-section with Kaia. Would she live? No crying baby placed on my chest after birth. Aidan was silent and Kaia was whisked away. I didn’t see her for over a day. Didn’t hold her for a few more.

    No normal anything. It’s a big loss for a woman and D. will probably never understand. I know Brian doesn’t. Happy pregnancies still make me jealous of those for whom things go right.

    But, on the other hand, I have so much that is normal. Normal and happy. Happy marriage. Good family. Happy, healthy toddler. Good job. Live in a safe community within a safe country. I am lucky beyond measure in so many ways. I try to balance out my sadness and jealousy over the things I don’t have or didn’t get with reminders of what I do. No one can have everything, and if a wonderful pregnancy experience wasn’t my lot, at least I have so much else.

    Your feelings are normal, and may never go away, but like me, you have so much to be grateful for. I’m so happy Scarlet is healthy and made it here safely, however that happened.

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