Life after Death

October 10, 2012

My life after your death. Two years have passed. So much has happened and you’ve missed all of it. I’ve cried a million tears, I felt at times like I had died inside. Trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other after October 12, 2010 seemed impossible.

Today is your second birthday, and it’s hard to really understand how we have ended up here, and to reconcile where we should be. You are never far from my thoughts or my lips. I speak of you often, sometimes even like you are still here (wishful thinking).

You were such a beautiful boy, fair haired and rolly polly. I have wished so hard that you could have stayed with us, I wish I could have saved you, I wish I had listened to myself that day two years ago.

Two years, and I still want you back just as fiercely as I did last year, just as desperately as I did when you first died and I am sure that I will always want you and miss you forever. The pain of missing you has lessened over the 731 days since you were born.

731 days is also:

  • 63,158,400 seconds
  • 1,052,640 minutes
  • 17,544 hours
  • 104 weeks

and my heart has missed you every 63 million seconds you have been absent from my arms…

Later today, we will celebrate your birthday. I will bake you some cupcakes and we will have balloons for our little boy. I love you and I miss you and I still can’t believe that I can’t hold you again here on earth.

Happy Birthday my love, my son Xavier.


3 thoughts on “Life after Death

  1. Happy birthday sweet boy! I am privileged to know you and your family. You are such a beautiful boy and so very loved. If only you could have stayed….

    Ida, thinking of you and your family and sending lots of love.

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