Thinking of you

I have been thinking of him more and more lately. I suppose it might be the hormones, but maybe it’s just watching Scarlet grow and thrive, knowing all that I am missing with Xavier. I feel like I miss him so much these days, which feels crazy. I really felt like S would patch my heart up, and for the most part she has filled a large gaping hole that Xavier left. She has helped us to heal more than I thought possible or imaginable or maybe it’s not healing, maybe it’s sleep deprivation, but…but…..but what right? I want my boy back. I want her and him and my two big boys and I want us all to be a big happy family…

M asked me the other day about Scarlet knowing about Xavier and how sad that would make her knowing he died. I tried to explain to him that she won’t feel the same sadness that we do over Xavier’s death. She won’t miss him or have that sense of someone gone. He is not a part of her life, and as much as I tell her about him, and explain what he meant to us, she will never have to feel his loss, and I am actually thankful about that…to not have to feel this grief.

I am just feeling kind of low tonight, wishing, always wishing that he was here because sometimes I can’t even believe that I had him, that he was here, that he lived. It seems so freakin’ long ago. A dream or a nightmare….hard to tell sometimes.


2 thoughts on “Thinking of you

  1. You know that is a really good point you make… I never thought of it that way- they were not alive during this point in time when we lost so much- they are the children that came after and that definitely will make for a different way that they ‘know’ their older siblings.
    xo mamma

  2. I’d never thought of it that way either. I like that she’s not going to physically miss him because he was never “in” her life, but I hate so much (for both our girls) they didn’t get the chance to know and love these boys of ours. Their big brothers. bah.

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