I am putting together a photo present for my inlaws…you know the type, 3 or 4 matted pictures in a nice frame. I wanted to do four. All four of my kids. I have the ones I wanted for D.jr, M and S…I just needed to find the one I wanted for Xavier. My sweet Xavier. I have a folder of all of his photos on my hard drive. I started browsing through them for the one I wanted. The one I know that’s in there. I am taken to that day, sucked in by my computer screen and I can feel the sorrow, I can feel the disbelief all over again that this is actually happening to me. That he was once ours and in our arms and now remains as a part of our lives in the worst possible way. GOD DAMN IT! I love him and I miss him, and as I scan his pictures I look as his face and I see her, truthfully I see them all in that beautiful face.  He was here right? My son died right? How did we go on, how do we continue to live? I have my big boys and now a sweet daughter that brings me so much joy and yet, if I am honest with myself, there still remains a great sorrow that taints all that should be so wonderful and happy and peaceful and lovely. I am not the best with words, so I am not sure if I am even describing it correctly (and quite frankly I am not interested in proper grammar or punctuation right now). When I have time and energy to sit down and feel…really feel and reflect, I still feel great amounts of sorrow. How does that manage to infiltrate my happiness at this stage of my loss journey? I suppose it’s normal and expected.

Looking at his pictures tonight shouldn’t have made such an impact.  We have Xavier’s photos all over our home, I see him every day…I keep staring at his lips, his pale skin, the slightly blue tinge to it, his sweet nose and back at his lips. Those lips that I kissed, that I tried to kiss enough for my lifetime in the short hours we had with him.

I want a do-over…I want to go back in time and have a do-over, I’d save him if I could go back in time, I’d save him…but then where does that leave S(my light, my love, my beacon of hope) in my grand scheme of things? Oh the sorrow I am inflicting on myself tonight.

IMG_0020_WMV V9 Sweet baby


2 thoughts on “Sorrow

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