I know I have stayed away from blogging, maybe you think at this point I don’t deserve feed back and comments because of my absence…I get it, bad blogger, bad blogger, but I feel bad posting pictures of Scarlet even though this my space to write, to communicate…and right now…shit has sort of hit the fan around here.

There were signs things weren’t well with our son M. I wrote about his great sadness over the death of Xavier many times. I lamented that he didn’t seem to be turning that corner in the grief process. Finally after a breakdown just before Christmas, we decided it was now time and made an appointment to meet with our pediatrician. We had that appointment on Friday. He made an initial diagnosis of PTSD. We will begin working with the Peel Childrens Clinic this month in getting M the help he needs. He was sure it wasn’t depression…so that is good? I don’t know…I am so confused and hurting over this…hurting for him and all that he has lost along with his brother.

I feel like he is broken, like we broke him. He explains the sadness of Xavier dying like his heart shattering and now he has to pick up the pieces. He told the doctor he thinks maybe Scarlet has helped him a little bit, but I know he’s just being kind. I know he loves her, but I know he wanted a brother so badly, that he fought with the ultrasound tech about the fact that the baby wasn’t a girl but was a boy…

The doctor on Friday asked him some specific questions, one of which was, Do you ever think about harming your self…I held my breath, he made a quick motion with his head, paused and said no…sort of drawn out like noooooo. My heart was breaking for him. I was certain he lied…I was certain the notion of taking his own life had crossed his mind. Later that afternoon at home, while we went over what had been discussed at the Doctors office with my husband he sad, Mom, you know that question (I knew EXACTLY what he was talking about), I lied. I thought so, I told him. We cried, and as I watched my husband wrap his arms around him I fully understood where he was coming from. Back in the days of wanting and waiting to get my beloved on board of TTC again, I felt that desolation. I felt like why am I even bothering with life if this is how it is going to be lived. I remember in the initial throes of grief thinking death must surely be easier than dealing with such intense pain…and then he agreed, and then I got pregnant, and then she was here. Xavier is not replaceable, but I can consider Scarlet a salve and a sort of closure to a large gaping wound. Where is his closure? What is his salve? I think those are the answers we need to help M, find a path that doesn’t always lead to pain. He has even suggested perhaps we have yet another baby (not happening), and that it would be  a boy.

I can’t figure out what he wants, what he feels he is missing, why at two years on he still feel the grief so fresh. I want to help him, and I want him to feel whole again, the problem is I can’t undo a dead brother and I can’t help him unsee all he saw over two years ago…things that to this day he still feels so strongly about.

My poor boy, he’s only ten…he shouldn’t have to worry about any of this.



2 thoughts on “M

  1. Ugh. My heart is breaking for you guys and for M being so devastated. That raw grief is all-encompassing and suffocating and desperate. I too remember being so sad and things felt so hopeless I wondered why I bothered living anymore…

    I want so badly to “fix” him but of course there is no fixing any of that without a lot of help. I hope this referral will be of benefit to him. I suspect it wasn’t so much that he wanted another boy, but that he was hoping Xavier would come back to him… Illogical, but I remember thinking along those same lines even though it made no sense.

    You’re absolutely right- he shouldn’t have to worry about any of this. But you didn’t do anything to break him momma, you honest to God didn’t. You’re doing everything you can to make things better.

    The visual of your husband taking M into his arms is enough to make me cry.


  2. Please don’t say that you hurt him. You are helping him, with your love and care and attention. Life hurt him. Life will hurt all of our children. We as parents can only be there to help as much as we can, but the thing is, every living person has to deal with pain on their own terms. Your guilt will make you less effective at dealing with his sorrow, so let go of it if you can. It is not necessary, or helpful.

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