Two posts one night…crazy

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I wanted to also ask everyone for your opinions on this one:

M is crying in bed two nights ago, Xavier is on his mind. He tells me how much he misses him and how he feels like Xavier and him were supposed to be something special together, he was supposed to be his best friend, that he is missing him so much because they were supposed to be together. HOW DO I ANSWER THIS?? How do I help him?? We are going to have to take him to see someone right? He needs to talk to someone about all that he is feeling, someone who can help him handle his very apparent grief.  The way he talks about Xavier is like he lost his twin…I was/am baffled….maybe PTSD? Your thoughts please…

Sorrow

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I am putting together a photo present for my inlaws…you know the type, 3 or 4 matted pictures in a nice frame. I wanted to do four. All four of my kids. I have the ones I wanted for D.jr, M and S…I just needed to find the one I wanted for Xavier. My sweet Xavier. I have a folder of all of his photos on my hard drive. I started browsing through them for the one I wanted. The one I know that’s in there. I am taken to that day, sucked in by my computer screen and I can feel the sorrow, I can feel the disbelief all over again that this is actually happening to me. That he was once ours and in our arms and now remains as a part of our lives in the worst possible way. GOD DAMN IT! I love him and I miss him, and as I scan his pictures I look as his face and I see her, truthfully I see them all in that beautiful face.  He was here right? My son died right? How did we go on, how do we continue to live? I have my big boys and now a sweet daughter that brings me so much joy and yet, if I am honest with myself, there still remains a great sorrow that taints all that should be so wonderful and happy and peaceful and lovely. I am not the best with words, so I am not sure if I am even describing it correctly (and quite frankly I am not interested in proper grammar or punctuation right now). When I have time and energy to sit down and feel…really feel and reflect, I still feel great amounts of sorrow. How does that manage to infiltrate my happiness at this stage of my loss journey? I suppose it’s normal and expected.

Looking at his pictures tonight shouldn’t have made such an impact.  We have Xavier’s photos all over our home, I see him every day…I keep staring at his lips, his pale skin, the slightly blue tinge to it, his sweet nose and back at his lips. Those lips that I kissed, that I tried to kiss enough for my lifetime in the short hours we had with him.

I want a do-over…I want to go back in time and have a do-over, I’d save him if I could go back in time, I’d save him…but then where does that leave S(my light, my love, my beacon of hope) in my grand scheme of things? Oh the sorrow I am inflicting on myself tonight.

IMG_0020_WMV V9 Sweet baby

We are still alive and kicking

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Love her so much!!!!

Went to the doctor today because she has a case of pink eye (or poop eye as it’s more commonly known as around here) and they weighed her and she is now 11lbs 11 oz!!! At almost four months old she is well within normal weight limits for her age!!!

(Someone got baptized!!!)

That’s it for now.

One other quick thought on grief and a new baby, it has surprised me how having Scarlet has helped us all to heal, and yet Xavier still weighs so heavily on my mind still… Completely unexpected.

Thinking of you

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I have been thinking of him more and more lately. I suppose it might be the hormones, but maybe it’s just watching Scarlet grow and thrive, knowing all that I am missing with Xavier. I feel like I miss him so much these days, which feels crazy. I really felt like S would patch my heart up, and for the most part she has filled a large gaping hole that Xavier left. She has helped us to heal more than I thought possible or imaginable or maybe it’s not healing, maybe it’s sleep deprivation, but…but…..but what right? I want my boy back. I want her and him and my two big boys and I want us all to be a big happy family…

M asked me the other day about Scarlet knowing about Xavier and how sad that would make her knowing he died. I tried to explain to him that she won’t feel the same sadness that we do over Xavier’s death. She won’t miss him or have that sense of someone gone. He is not a part of her life, and as much as I tell her about him, and explain what he meant to us, she will never have to feel his loss, and I am actually thankful about that…to not have to feel this grief.

I am just feeling kind of low tonight, wishing, always wishing that he was here because sometimes I can’t even believe that I had him, that he was here, that he lived. It seems so freakin’ long ago. A dream or a nightmare….hard to tell sometimes.